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Picking a Winner 



A Farce in Three Acts 



By 

MacPHERSON janney 

Author of '''Mr. Kelley of Kalamazoo^' etc. 
NOTE 

The professional rights in this play are strictly reserved and 
application for the right to produce it should be made to the 
author in care of the publishers. Amateurs may produce it with- 
out payment of royalty on condition that the name of the author 
appears on all programmes and advertising issued in connection 
with such performances. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1914 



p^^.^^ 



Picking a Winner \^^ v 



CHARACTERS 



Sir Francis MacDonald, w/w wants Blanche. 

Count Alexandre, who wants Blanche s money. 

The Earl of Norton, also desirous of Blanche's coin. 

The Grand Duke Ruffievitch, equally keen after Blanche s 

wealth. 
Col. Arthur Hopkins, the police force of McNabb, Illinois. 
Fred "| 

Mervyn y three gilded youths. 
Frank J 

Hawkins, Lady Jajief s butler. 
Blanche Kane, an American heiress. 
Lady Janet MacDonald, Sir Francis aunt. 
IsABELLE Foster 

Olga Foster \ three Atnerican heiresses. 
Stella Foster 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. The apartments of Lady Janet MacDonald in London. 
Act IL Blanche Kane's country house at McNafeb, lUinois. 
Act in. The same. 




Copyright, 1914, by MacPherson Janney 
As author atid proprietor 

All rights reserved 

g)Ci,D 37865 
AUG 17 1314 



Picking a Winner 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The apartments of Lady Janet MacDonald, in 
London. Large doorway back c. ; stnall doors back L., afid 
front R. Window back R. ; fireplace front L. Sofa and 
tea-table front r. \ table a7id chairs front l. 

(Lady J. is seated at the tea-table ; her nephew, Sir Francis 
MacDonald, is standing before her, watching the pouring 
process.^ 

Sir F. Yes. Three lumps. 

Lady J. {deliberately dropping three lumps in the cup^. My 
dear nephew, I'm greatly disappointed in you. 

Sir F. Why? Because I persist in taking three lumps? 
I know it isn't artistic. 

Lady J. Rubbish ! You know what I mean. 

(She hands him the cup.) 

Sir F. My dear aunt, marrying your Miss Kane isn't going 
to help matters. — Besides, I couldn't if I wanted to. She dis- 
approves of my title just as much as I disapprove of her wealth. 

Lady J. But, dear boy, that is mere negative prejudice. 
Think of the positive advantage. 

Sir F. Well, — I must admit 

Lady J. You would be the making of her, — and her 
money would put you as high in politics as you might wish 
to go. 

Sir F. {stirring his tea; 7neditatively'). Of course, any 
ethical views on the subject 

Lady J. Rubbish ! 

Sir F. of an arrangement so frankly mercenary 

Lady J. Rubbish ! 

Sir F. are superfluous, not to say lacking in tact. 



4 PICKING A WINNER 

Lady J. My dear Francis, to be mercenary is to be fashion- 
able 

Sir F. You've been reading Shaw again ! 

Lady J. and being fashionable is synonymous with 

being successful 

Sir F. Pardon me ; — Oscar Wilde ! 

Lady J. and if you're a success in life, what more 

do you want ? 

Sir F. Well, I don't know. — I've never been a success in 
life, — on the best of evidence, that of my relatives ; — and I've 
always had an awfully good time at it, — also on the best of 
evidence, that of my friends. 

Lady J. And so I infer that your only object in life is to 
have a good time? 

Sir F. Certainly ! 

Lady J. You're hopeless ! 

Sir F. Hopeless ! — Flagrantly immoral, you mean, — by 
your tone ! — And yet you are the one trying to induce me to 
indulge in a " mariage de convenance " ! 

Lady J. It isn't simply a '•'■ mariage de convenance," it's a 
Great Opportunity. 

Sir F. Capital G, and capital O ? 

Lady J. A Great Opportunity. 

Sir F. But it isn't an Opportunity. It isn't even a possibil- 
ity. She wouldn't have me; I'm one of the despised nobility. 

Lady J. Rubbish ! 

Sir F. I'll admit they're that, but 

Lady J. If you'd only help me ! I could make her do 
anything ! She's a dear girl, impulsive, affectionate 

Sir F. And with skilful playing we could land her ?— Note 
my very apt choice of a piscatorial metaphor. 

Lady J. Ah ! You can't mean that Mr. Kane*s having 
been a wholesale sardine merchant has anything to do with 
your attitude? Don't you know 

Sir F. Stop ! — You're about to quote Ibsen to me ! I 
know it ! — And since I'm thoroughly acquainted with his 
theories on heredity 

Lady J. Well, I do hope that no nephew of mine will ever 
develop a streak of snobbishness. 

Sir F. Especially where a half a million sterling is in- 
volved? Dear me, no! Why, why should I be fussy? With 
an earl, a count and a grand duke as rivals 

Lady J. Francis ! Do you know, those terrible men have 



PICKING A WINNER 5 

made my life a perfect nightmare of late? They're here "en 
masse " at least twice a day 

Sir F. And still she won't meet them ? 

Lady J. Thank heaven, she's given in al last ! This morn- 
ing she suddenly announced that if I'd have them all to tea 
this afternoon, she'd allow the introduction. That's why 
you're here. 

Sir F. To act as a shock absorber ? 

Lady J. Precisely. 

Sir F. And suppose she happens to fall in love with one of 
them ! You are imperiling my only chance for a life of ease 
and luxury. 

Lady J. We'll run the risk. — Ah, dear boy, if you'd only 
see it the way I do ! 

Sir F. No {Shakes his head slowly,) 

Lady J. Foolish boy ! Do you know, I believe that you 
cherish a dark suspicion that some day you're going to fall in 
love ! 

SirF. Capital L? 

Lady J. Yes ! That's what I think it is ! You're a senti- 
mentalist ! 

Sir F. You accuse me of that ! You, who read J. M. 
Barrie ! 

Lady J. Don't be impertinent ! At my age, it is per- 
missible to revel in the follies of youth. But even then, only 
on the printed page. To observe the spectacle of you in love 
would kill me ! 

Sir F. Really ? I think I would be rather good at it ! 

Lady J. Terrible ; perfectly terrible ! Do stop talking 
about so terrible a catastrophe ! Have another cup of tea ? 

Sir F. In view of impending events, — thank you ! (Hands 
her the cup.) How do you suppose she'll treat them ? 

Lady J. I'm sure I don't know. She announced her deci- 
sion so mysteriously that I fear the worst. — One, — two, — three ! 
Well, sugar is very nourishing, at least ! 

Sir F. Precisely. You see, with my nervous tempera- 
ment 

Lady J. Rubbish ! Who ever heard of a temperamental 
Scotchman ? Though your lack of shrewdness does proclaim 
you an outcast ! Francis, dear boy, just listen to my arguments 
07ice more 

Sir F. No ! Not another word ! I refuse to desert my 
principles ! 



6 PICKING A WINNER 

Lady J. Your prejudices, you mean ! Dear, dear ! Why 
won't you give in, — ^just occasionally? I give in to you, — 
occasionally ! For instance, I give in to you on the subject of 
three lumps of sugar in your tea, though it violates my whole 
code of moral ethics ! 

Sir F. Very sweet of you, I'm sure ! — No ! — No ! I swear 
to you, I meant no pun ! On my honor as a Scotchman ! 

Lady J. (risijig). Out upon you ! Away from my sight ! 
I disown you ! Forever and ever excommunicated ! — Gracious ! 

Sir F. {imploringly). But, my dear aunt ! 

Enter Blanche Kane, a handsome girl of twe?ity- eight, very 
fnodishly dressed, carrying a tall parasol. She surveys 
the scene before her in amazement, which turns to mock 
alarm. 

Blanche. Well ! Who'd have ever guessed it? The Clan 
MacDonald going into vaudeville ! My, my ! How the peer- 
age has got in dutch ! (^Comes forward.) 

Lady J. Blanche, dear, what do you mean ? 

Blanche. Goodness, isn't it a rehearsal? Don't tell me 
it's real ! An honest to hope to die scrap ? 

Sir F. No, my dear Miss Kane ; merely a case of mistaken 
intention. My beloved aunt thought that I was being humor- 
ous, — but I wasn't. 

Blanche. I'll bet you weren't ! Englishmen aren't humor- 
ous ; they're funny ! 

Sir F. Ah, but I'm not an Englishman ; I'm a Scotchman, 
you know ! 

Blanche. Oh, no, you're not ! Scotchmen wear kilty- 
kilties and bare knees, and say, *' Hoot, mon ! " I've never 
heard you say, " Hoot, mon ! " 

Sir F. I never do. It's considered obsolete. 

Blanche. Considered who ? 

Sir F. Old-fashioned. 

Blanche. I get you ! 

Sir F. But my clan has a ripping plaid. I'll wear it for 
you some time ! 

Blanche. Oooo ! — Help ! Chaperone ! Young man, if 
you wear any ripping plaids around where I am, you bring 
along a paper of safety-pins ! {To Lady J.) That's a good 
one ; watch him miss it ! 

(Sir F. laughs.) 



PICKING A WINNER 7 

Lady J. Blanche, dear, you forget that my nephew is a 
confirmed cosmopolite; — that meaning, among other things, 
three years in your native country. I assure you, that in 
the realm of humor nothing, absolutely nothing, is beneath 
him 1 

Blanche. Beneath him ? Well, I like that ! Pardon 

me, Mac ; it's auntie that doesn't appreciate really good stuff ! 

Lady J. There! I forgive you! You used ''doesn't" 
instead of '* don't," — I'll forgive even the safety-pins. You're 
improving, my dear I Come, have a cup of tea. 

Blanche. Oh, all right 1 I'm not proud ! Three lumps, 
dearie ! 

Sir F. Ah ? You evidently have the same theories 

as I on the subject of nutritive values. 

Blanche. The who ? 

Sir F. Nutritive values. Miss Kane, are arguments em- 
ployed by persons possessing what you would probably term a 
grouch on the meat trust. 

Blanche. You mean vegetarians ? In other words, nuts ? 

Sir F. Precisely ! 

Blanche. Hmm ! Well, I don't know anything about 
nutritive values, but sugar is certainly one grand little institu- 
tion ! It ain't never done me no harm ! 

Lady J. Blanche ! 

{She shudders in horror ; then passes the teacup,) 

Blanche. See? I thought I'd get a rise 1 The polisher 
polished ! 

Lady J. My dear, please don't do that again ! It — it 
makes me uncomfy ! 

Blanche, Reminds you of little Blanche as she was be- 
fore taking ? Very well ; we shall endeavor in the future to 
keep the asbestos dropped over my past ! I've got a lot to 
learn yet, though, haven't I? 

Lady J. Not so much. Not nearly so much as I have to 
learn from you ! 

Blanche. Oh, you're some little learner yourself ! The 
way you picked up the line of chatter a la Old New York was 
a caution ! But there's a lot more to come ! After you've 
gotten hep to the southern drawl I'll begin instructing you con- 
cerning the native tongue of that dear Chicago ! 

Lady J. I'm afraid that will prove my Waterloo I 



8 PICKING A WINNER 

Blanche. Of course, you'll never be an expert. You don't 
practice enough. 

Sir F. Oh, but doesn't she ! I heard her mflicting her 
latest slang on Hawkins the other day; the poor man was 
positively pale with emotion ! 

Blanche. " 'Awkins," you mean ! Awful low-life, that 
man 'Awkins ! I was trying to teach him to say ** Ish ga 
bibble " the other day. — Say, it was a scream ! 

Lady J. Well, I must really visit you some time, so as to 
acquire the proper atmosphere. 

Blanche. That's right, dearie ! Atmosphere is our little 
specialty ! You will come ? 

Lady J. Most certainly ! 

Blanche. That's a promise, now ! I'm going to hold you 
to it ! 

Sir F. Won't you invite me, too? I've always stayed at 
hotels ; it's frightfully boring ! 

Blanche. Don't be arrogant about that, my son ! I never 
saw the inside of a real house till I saw this one ! Dad always 
fell for the table d'hote version of the simple Hfe. But when 1 
get back, then I'm going to have some hoffie^ believe me ! 

Sir F. Complete with all modern improvements? 

Blanche. You bet ! And that reminds me, Janet ; I wish 
you'd capture a butler, a chef, and a chauffeur for me. The 
real thing, you know ; distinguished and foreign looking. 

Lady J. I'll do my best. You won't want them till you 
go? 

Blanche. But, dearest, that's just the point. I've got a 
great surprise for you ! This morning I suddenly came to the 

conclusion that (She pauses^ afid looks tnte?itly at 

Sir F.) Ooooh ! — Look ! Mac's in love ! Honest ! Look ; 
Exhibit A, he's got a hair cut; Exhibit B, he's got a new 
fancy vest ; Exhibit C 

Lady J. Blanche ! Blanche I For heaven's sake, don't 
embarrass the poor boy ! 

Sir F. No, don't ! You in your opulence can't realize 
that a modest quarterly allowance necessitates a life of some- 
what intermittent splendor. 

Blanche. Ooooh ! I've put my foot in it, you mean ! 
Honest, I'm sorry, old top ! I was poor but proud myself, 
once. And now look at me, putting one over on Solomon and 
all his glory, and getting fresh with the peerage besides ! 
(Hawkins enters and speaks to Lady J.) Say, if the social 



PICKING A WINNER 9 

safe-crackers back in that dear Chicago knew that I was calling 
Sir Francis Macdonald by the first part of his last name, — 
honest, they'd croak ! 

Lady J. But I thought you objected so to the peerage ? 

Blanche. Not to associate with; — to marry, yes! {^To 
Sir F., suspiciously.) Say, you aren't trying to marry me, are 
you? 

Sir F. Heavens, no ! 

Blanche. Mmmmm ! — At least, you needn't have been 
quite so emphatic about it ! 

Lady J. Blanche, dear, Hawkins says that the deluge has 
arrived at last. Are you ready to receive it ? 

Blanche. What ! You mean the three noble wops that 
are out gunning for father's coin? 

Lady J. Yes, I suppose that's about the situation. 

Blanche. Good-night ! — Say, I'm losing my nerve ! 
Here, Mac ; we'll go shoot pool for a few minutes while Janet 
gets them draped on the furniture. Then I'll come in sudden 
and unexpected, and spring the Western lady staying at the 
Waldorf. Come ahead, Mac ! 

{They go out hack l.) 

Lady J. Show them up, Hawkins. 

(Hawkins goes out back c. ; Lady J. rearranges the tea- 
table.') 

Enter Count Alexandre, the Earl of Norton, and the 
Grand Duke Ruffievitch.^ 

RuF. {very suave and ingratiating ; sublime self control). 
Ah, gr-r-racious madame; gr-r-reetings ! 

Alex. Charme ! Charme ! — Ah ! 

Nor. Beastly weather, eh, Lady J. ? 

Lady J. It is rather bad, isn't it ? So nice of you all to 
come ! 

Alex. Mais oui ! We have decided to come — eh, bien ! 
— unanimously ! — Ah ! 

RuF. Even so, gr-r-racious lady ; in unity is str-r-rength ! 

Nor. Y' see, Lady J. — the weather and all — so beastly ! 
Thought we'd save cab- fare — all came together. — Beastly 
weather ! 

1 Make-up Note. — Alexandre, brown Van Dyke, rather full ; Nor- 
ton, blond Dundrearies ; Ruffievitch, full square beard, very black. 



10 PICKING A WINNER 

Lady J. Yes, it is bad ! Do have some tea ! Think what 
a terrible place London would be without afternoon tea ! I 
should die ! Let me see, Lord Kenneth, — strong, and without 
sugar ? 

Nor. Yes, by Jove ! So good of you ; this beastly weather, 
and all ! 

Lady J. And you, Count ? Do you always preserve the 
unities ? 

Alex. Mais oui ! Comme vous voulez ! Ah ! 

RuF. Unitas, gr-r-racious madame, unitas ! It is our 
eter-r-rnal vow ! 

Lady J. Ah ! Even in your ideas and thoughts, as in 
your actions ? For instance, in regard to my friend. Miss 
Kane ? 

RuF. Again, yes, gr-r-racious madame ! As one man, we 
ador-r-re Miss Kane ! 

Alex. Nous I'adorons ! Ah ! 

{Blows a kiss from his finger tips.") 

Nor. By Jove, yes ! We worship her, — dear girl ! Beastly 
weather, though ! 

Lady J. Such unanimity ! How touching ! You all love 
her ; all three of you ! And, I presume, all for the same 
reason ? 

RuF. R-r-reason, gr-r-racious madame 1 

Alex. Parbleu ! De la cause ? — Ah ! 

Nor. Yes, by Jove ! Reason ? What reason ? 

Lady J. Why, yes ! Why do you all love her ? 

RuF. Gr-r-racious madame ; her beauty ! 

Alex. Sa charme ! — Ah I 

Nor. Ripping fine girl, y' know 1 

RuF. Her style, her ar-r-ristocratic bear-r-ring I 

Alex. Eh bien 1 Quelle elegance 1 — Ah I 

Nor. Fine looker, y' know I 

RuF. Such personality 1 Such magnetism I 

Alex. Quelle esprit I — Ah 1 

Nor. Cheerful disposition — must have that, y' know, — this 
beastly weather, and all ! 

RuF. Her brilliant conver-r-rsation ! 

Alex. Sa vivacite !■ — hh. ! 

Nor. High spirited, y' know ! 

RuF. Her dazzling American ways ! 

Lady J. And her dazzling American dollars ? 



PICKING A WINNER II 

RUF. Oh, gr-r-r-r-racions madame ! 

Alex. Pour le nom de Dieu ! — Ah ! 

Nor. Oh, I say ! 

RuF. You sur-r-rely cannot mean it ! 

Alex. Non ! Non ! Impossible ! — Ah ! 

Nor. Quite, — er, — quite, y' know — er — quite — quite ! 

Lady J. Oh, come now ! Come ! Confess ! Be frank 
with me ! The secret of why you wish to meet my friend is 
safely hidden away in a Chicago safe deposit vault ! That's it, 
isn't it ? Come ; tell the truth ! 

RuF. {after a pause ; impressively). Gr-r-r-racious ma- 
dame, I will ! — I will tell the truth ! — though it be the vilest 
tr-r-r-reacherrry ! My honor-r-r-r as aR-r-r-r-russian demands 
that I confess the tr-r-r-ruth ! Gr-r-racious madame, fr-rom 
the star-r-rt I have known that both of my comr-r-rades were 
inspir-r-red to this cause not by the tr-r-rue divine fire, but by 
base and mer-r-r-rcenary intentions, by a sor-r-rdid lust for 
gold ! I, I alone am disinter-r-r-rested ! I, I alone love her 
for herself ! 

Alex, {in wild excitement). Ah, sacre bleu ! Traitor ! 
Villain ! Ma chere madame, ca n'est pas vrai ! Moi, je I'aime ! 
Ah, que je I'adore ! Les autres, — ah, canailles ! They only 
seek her money ! Peegs ! — Ah I 

Nor. Oh, I say, old chap ! That's a bit strong, y' know ! 
Especially when you're telling such a whopper ! All bally rot, 
y' know ! You and the Duke. Why, all along you never had 
a thought except for the dear girl's bank account ! Dear girl ! 
Jolly well imposed upon ! But it's all right, Lady J. ; I love 
the dear girl, bless her ! Why — do you think Pd have come 
out in this beastly weather if I didn't? 

Lady J. My ! You are unanimous, aren't you ? Well, 
Pm afraid since the odds are two to one against each of you, 
why, PU have to accept the verdict of the majority. Let's see, 
a sum total of six votes to three against true love ! Isn't that 
pretty conclusive ? 

RuF. Gr-r-r-racious madame, you are too clever ! You 
should have been a Russian ! 

Alex. Diable, non ! You should haf been a French- 
woman, a Parisienne ! Ah ! 

Nor. Well, now, isn't it topping that you're neither, but a 
loyal Englishwoman instead ! I say, by Jove ! 

Lady J. Wrong again, my Lord ! Pm Scotch, and canny 
Scotch at that ! You see, it's this way ! You're all after Miss 



12 PICKING A WINNER 

Kane's fortune, aren't you? {All nod eagerly.) Well and 
good; may the best man win! But don't you think that I 
should come in for a share of the spoils, since I am the one to 
Introduce her to you ? Don't you think that I deserve to share 
with the winner, — on a commission basis, let us say ? 

RuF. Upon my soul ! 

Alex. Diable ! — Ah ! 

Nor. Oh, I say ! 

Lady J. Because, if we can arrange something like that, 
why, I'll join the confederacy, and just think what a help that 
would be ! 

RuF. I am done ! 

Alex. Pour le nom de Dieu ! — Ah ! 

Nor. Upon my word ! 

Lady J. Come, is it a bargain ? Ten per cent, of the mar- 
riage settlement, if any one of you carries off the lady ! That's 
fair, isn't it ? 

RuF. Gr-r-r-racious madame, it is more than fair ! It is 
gr-r-r-r-rand ! 

Alex. Magnifique 1 Magnifique 1 — Ah ! 

Nor. Oh, I say, Lady J. ! You can't mean it ! 

Lady J. Every word of it ! Does it suit your taste ? 

Nor. {explosively). Upon my word, no ! By Jove, I con- 
sider it a beastly disgrace that two members of the British no- 
bility should stoop to barter and bargain about an affair of the 
heart ! Deuced vulgar, I call it ! 

RuF. My dear-r-r fellow, you have no cause to be anxious I 
The loss of that little ten per-r-rcent. need not worry you ; be- 
cause, you see, / will be the one to lose it I Ha, ha, ha ! 

Alex. Sacre, non ! C'est moi ! Moi ! Allons ! Moi;je 
I'epouserai ! Diable, chere madame, if it is / who win her, 
you shall \\2iVQ fifteen percent. ! 

Lady J. Come, that's the idea ! Competition is the soul 
of trade ! Now ; who bids higher ? 

RuF. Alas ! We have a financier-r-r-r in our midst ! 
Twenty per cent. ! 

Alex. Diable ! Twenty-five ! 

RuF. Thirty ! 

Alex. Thirty-five ! 

RuF. Forty ! 

Alex. Fifty !— Ah ! 

RuF. {bowing). Monsieur, I see you are more than a 
financier ; you are a poker player ! I surrender ! 



PICKING A WINNER 



13 



Alex. Ah-ha ! Et vous, Milord ? 

Nor. Not one per cent. ! Not one-half of one per cent. ! 

Not Upon my word, Lady J., I'm deeply grieved at your 

action ! I — I'm tempted to withdraw my offer, — what with 
the beastly weather, and all ! 

Lady J. I'm so sorry. Lord Kenneth ! But I'm sure that 
nothing that I could do could add anything to your chances ! 
And now, may the best man win ! ( Goes to the door back l. ; 
calls.) Blanche! Oh, Blanche, dear! Won't you come to 
tea? My friends have arrived! (Blanche enters the room 
slowly and loftily ; Sir F. follows her. She produces a lor- 
gnette^ afid proceeds to use it.) Blanche, dear, let me present 
Lord Kenneth, Earl of Norton. 

Blanche. Charmed ! — Charmed, I'm sure ! 

Lady J. And his highness, the Grand Duke Ruffievitch. 

Blanche. Charmed ! — Charmed, I'm sure ! 

Lady J. And Count Alexandre, — Miss Kane I 

Blanche. Charmed ! — Charmed, I'm sure ! A descend- 
ant, I presume, of the well-known grater ? 

Alex. Eh, bien I Q'est que c'est, Mademoiselle? 

Blanche. What I Don't you know ? Alexander the 
Grater ? Most interesting man ! Most interesting ! You 
should pursue the page of history. Count 1 Most interesting, — 
history ! — Most, most interesting I 

Alex. Par bleu ! 

Blanche. And instructive I Most, most instructive I 

RuF. Ah ! Then r-r-r-rumor is at fault ? The American 
young lady does after all relish the intellectual ? 

Blanche. Oh, dear me, yes ! Yes ! Rumor is at fault, 
very, very much at fault ! So careless of rumor ! — Dear me, 
yes ! Of course we American gells relish the intellectual ! 
Dear, dear, dear me ; how we relish it ! 

RuF. And the arts, — music, painting, sculpture, — I presume 
you patronize the arts ? 

Blanche. Oh, yes ! Now and then — principally then ! 

RuF. And the dr-r-rama? You are a student of the 
dr-r-r-rama ? 

Blanche. Oh, dear me, yes ! I'm strong for the 
dr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rama ! 

Nor. By Jove, but you are a jolly sort, though ! But I 
say, now; the intellectual life isn't the only thing you go in 
for, is it ? How about the life in the open, now ; the sporting 
life? 



14 PICKING A WINNER 

Blanche. Oh, dear me, yes ! Of course ! C^r-tainly ! 
That's my "piece de resistance," — the sporty life ! I'll try 
anything once ! 

Nor. By Jove, ripping ! Ripping 1 — And you follow the 
hounds? 

Blanche. Follow the who ? 

Nor. The hounds, y' know ! 

Blanche (Jo Lady J.). He's trying to say, "What d'y 
mean, y' lost y'r dog?" — Oh, yes! Dear me, yes! Howl 
do love the life in the open air, the rustling leaves, the purling 
brook, the twittering birds, — oh, dear vie^ yes ! I am certainly 
strong for dear old nature ! 

RuF. Ah ! The soul of poesy ! 

Blanche. The soul of who ? 

RuF. The lyric muse, the Spirit of Ancient Greece ! That 
is your spirit ! 

Blanche. Oh, dear me, yes ! Ancient Greece ! Dear 
old ancient Greece ! Oh, yes, indeed ; I'm strotig for ancient 
Greece ! 

Alex. Ah, mon Dieu ! Vraiment? L' esprit de I'ancienne! 
Ah, miraculeuse ! Mademoiselle, est ce possible que vous 
aimez bien les memes choses que j'aime? C'est vrai ! C'est 
vrai ! Nous sommes affinites ! — Ah I 

Blanche {severely). Young man, do I get you? Do I 
solve your delivery ? Because if you said affinities y — and 
meant affinities 

Alex. Oui, oui ! C'est vrai ! Nous sommes affinites I — 
Ah! 

Blanche. Enough ! That's enough ! Janet, come here I 
The peerage will pardon us. Janet, dearie, this settles it ! 
This morning I began to think that I'd like to spend Christmas 
at home, — and now I'm sure of it ! I didn't tell you, because 
I was afraid you'd weep on my shoulder, and make me weaken. 
But now a Niagara of tears wouldn't budge me ! Tell 'Awkins 
to bring down my things ; they're already packed. I've just 
thirty-eight minutes before my train leaves. 

Lady J. Blanche ! You can't mean it ! 

Blanche. Yes, dearie; I'm so sorry ! But you know that 
I'd never succeed in tearing myself away from you except by 
bolting this way ! (Hawk, enters back c.) 'Awkins, you 
may bring my things down now. 

(Hawk, bows a fid goes out.) 



PICKING A WINNER I5 



Lady J. But — but 

Blanche. Dearie, you're not angry, are you ? 

Lady J. No, — only terribly disappointed ! And — and 



Blanche. It's all right ! You're coming to visit me for all 
of June, the best month of the year at home ! And you'll 
bring your nice nephew along ! Will you come ? 

Lady J. Yes, dearest ; of course 1 {Kisses her. Hawk. 

enters with luggage. ) But — but \She looks at the three 

suitors, then looks suddenly back at Hawk., who is just going 
out.) Blanche ! What about the servants you asked me to 
get for you ? 

Blanche. The sure and certain signs of snobbishness? 
Oh, send them on the next boat. 

Lady J. Suppose I could get them now ? 

Blanche. That would be fine ! Can you ? 

Lady J. I don't know. I'll try. Quick; take the men, 
and go into the library ! {To the others.) Oh, don't you all 
want to see the library? Miss Kane will show it to you ! 

RuF. Gr-r-racious madame, delighted ! 

Alex. Char me ! Char me ! — Ah ! 

Nor. Oh, I don't mind ! 

Blanche. All right, come ahead ! This way ! You know, 
as Ibsen once said to me 

{They all go out back c, except Lady J.) 

Enter Hawk., with more luggage. 

Lady J. Hawkins ! Didn't you tell me that you were once 

a barber ? 

Hawk. Yes, ma'am ! 

Lady J. Have you still got your razors and so forth ? 

Hawk. Yes, ma'am ! 

Lady J. Then fetch them quickly ! And be ready to do 
some lightning work ! (Hawk, goes out ; Lady J. goes to the 
door back c, and calls off stage.) Oh, Duke Ruffievitch; 
won't you come here just a moment } 

Enter Ruf. 

RuF. Your ser-r-rvant, gr-r-racious madame ! 
Lady J. Your Highness, you are in earnest about winning 
Miss Kane's hand ? 
RuF. Yes, yes ! 
Lady J, You dare risk everything on one throw ? 



l6 PICKING A WINNER 

RuF. Madame, I am a R-r-r-r-russian ! 

Lady J. Then listen ! As yourself, you will never succeed 
in winning her ; she abhors titles ! But if you could discard 
your title, appear under another name — ; — Tell me j can you 
run an automobile ? 

RuF. Yes ! I am an expert ! 

E?iter Hawk. , carrying a satchel. 

Lady J. Good ! Miss Kane starts home for America in 
ten minutes — a sudden decision. She needs a chauffeur — dis- 
guise yourself; I will vouch for you. Apply for the position, 
and return with her to America ! 

RuF. Upon my soul ! Why — why ! By heaven, I 

will ! But the disguise? 

Lady J. Here ! I have arranged everything. Hawkins, 
take this gentleman into the billiard room. You must work 
quickly — leave only the mustache. Now, hurry, hurry ! 

RuF. But— but 

Hawk. This way, sir ; — this way ! 

(^He hurries him i?ito the billiard-room off back l. Lady J. 
runs into the hallway, afid returns with a huge fur auto- 
mobile coat, ivhich she tosses into the billiard-room ; then 
goes to the door and calls off stage.) 

Lady J. Oh, Count Alexandre ! Will you please come here 
for a moment ? 

Alex. Oui, madame, oui ! (^He comes in running.) A 
votre service ! 

Lady J. Monsieur ! You know how to cook ? 

Alex. Mais oui, madame ! Oui, oui ! 

Lady J. Well ? Like an expert ? 

Alex. Comme un chef ! 

Lady J. Splendid ! And you love Miss Kane ? You wish 
to marry her? 

Alex. Ah, madame ; oui ! oui ! — Ah ! 

(^Blows a kiss from his finger tips.) 

Lady J. You would do anything to win her ? 

Alex. Oui ! Oui ! 

Lady J. You would run any risk ? 

Alex. Madame 1 I am a Frenchman. 



PICKING A WINNER 1 7 

Lady J. Then listen ! Miss Kane has suddenly decided 
to return to America. — Now ! within ten minutes she will 
Start. — And if she goes, your last chance vanishes. 

Alex. Mais oui ! Sacre ! 

Lady J. But wait ! She needs a chef. She has asked me 
to get one for her ! This is my plan : you shall disguise your- 
self, and return to America with her as her chef ! And if you 
do not win her heart by your cooking, you will never win it ! 

Alex. Ah ! Parbleu ! C'est magnifique ! But the dis- 
guise ! She will recognize me ! 

Lady J. Oh, no, she won't ! {Calls off stage y l.) Hawk- 
ins ! Are you through ? 

Hawk, {entering with a wad of black hair in one hand, a 
razor in the other). One second, ma'am. {He goes back.) 

Lady J. Hurry, hurry ! My butler is an expert barber. 
He will make another man of you in a trice ! {Enter Hawk., 
wiping the blood from his razor.) Here he is ! Quick ; into 
the dining-room ! When he is finished with you, go look in 
the butler's pantry ; you will find a complete chef's equipment ; 
it is yours ! Now, hurry, hurry ! Hawkins, a mustache, and 
goatee, — like this. (She makes a gesture.) 

Hawk. Yes, ma'am ! This way, sir ! 

(He hurries Alex, out r.) 

Lady J. (calling off stage back c). Lord Kenneth, oh, 
Lord Kenneth ! Just a moment, please. 

Nor. (entering; ct bit irritated). I say, what is this? A 
game ? 

Lady J. No, no ! Listen ! I have bad news for you ! 
Miss Kane is returning to America, now — within ten minutes ! 

Nor. Oh, I say ! — In this beastly weather ? 

Lady J. Of course you'll follow her ? 

Nor. Why— er By Jove, Lady J., I' ir confess. 1 

haven't got a bally shilling to do it with. 

Lady J. But if your expenses were all paid, and you were 
sure of a weekly salary in the bargain ? 

Nor. By Jove, of course I'd go. 

Lady J. You'd be wiUing to take a big risk? 

Nor. Madame, I am an Englishman ! 

Lady J. Then listen ! I have a plan ! Miss Kane needs 
a butler ; suppose you disguise yourself, and I will get her to 
give you the position. Then you can go with her to America. 



l8 PICKING A WINNER 

Nor. Oh, but I say ! 

Lady J. Don't you see ? — Make yourself indispensable to 
her by the care you take of her household, — and then marry 
her! 

Nor. But, by Jove, — my name ! — my position ! 

Lady J. Rubbish ! What if you are in the peerage ? 
That's one of the very reasons why she wouldn't have you ; she 
hates the idea of a title. Come — show your sporting blood. 

Nor. By gad !— I'll do it ! 

Enter Hawk., wiping his razor. 

Lady J. Good ! Quick, Hawkins ! Make his lordship 
into a butler, quick, quick ! 

{She pushes Nor. backtvard into a Morris chair^ and 
Hawk, pounces upon him.) 

Nor. But, I say ! 

Hawk. Kindly not talk, sir ! 

{His scissors ^^ snip^ snipt snip.*') 

Lady J. Hurry, hurry ! 

Nor. But I say ! 

Hawk. Gently, sir ; gently ! ( Waves the lather brush.) 

Lady J. Only a moment left ! Do hurry ! 

Nor. But I — ouch ! 

Hawk. Sorry, sir ; just a minute, sir I There ! 

{He turns to Lady J. triiwiphantly ; Nor. rises. His 
^^ Dundrearies'' have become mutton chops, and his left 
cheek is bleeding profusely.) 

Lady J. Quick, change coats with Hawkins ! {They 
cha?7ge coats.) Now go, Hawkins ! Quickly ! She's coming ! 

(Hawk, goes out, as Blanche afid Sir F. enter. They are 
both ready to leave.) 

Blanche. Dearie, I must start, really. Mac's going to see 
me off. 

Lady J. Oh, dear ! I hate to let you go. {Kisses her.) 
But at least I've done as you asked me. This is Henry, your 
new butler, 

Blanche. 'Enry for short, I suppose I Well, he's certainly 



PICKING A WINNER I9 

aristocratic looking {aside to Lady J.) — even if he can't shave 
straight. 

Lady J. I'm sure he'll give satisfaction. 

Blanche. Oh, he'll do ! — And the others ? 

Lady J. They'll come with him to the train, and bring 
your luggage. 

Blanche. Good I Thanks so much, dearie. And now I 
tmtst be off. 

Lady J. Yes, I suppose so. i^They go to the door.) 
Henry, you'll find Heinrich, Miss Kane's chauffeur, in the 
billiard-room, and Henri, her chef, in the dining-room. Get 
them, and come with the luggage to the station at once. 

Nor. Yes, lady, — ma'am. {The others go out; Nor. 
looks around him, then goes to the door l. ; raps on it.) I 
say, in there I You, Heinrich ! Come along ; we're starting. 
( Crosses to door r. ; raps on it. ) I say, there, you bally 
Frenchman, Henri ! This way, and be quick about it ! My 
word ! {He grabs up a suit-case in each hand, and starts for 
the door back c, as Ruf. and Alex, eiiter ; they are trans- 
formed, also badly cut.) Be quick, now ! This beastly 
luggage must be at the station in five minutes ! 

{The others seize the rest of the luggage, dash back stage, 
and come face to face.) 

Alex. Pour le nom de Michael ! 

(Nor. turns in amazement ; all three gaze at one another ; 
the luggage drops to the floor with a thud.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE.— Blanche's country place at McNabb, III. A hand- 
somely and tastefully furnished room. Large open door 
opening into garden back l. ; small doors r. and l. Table 
and chairs R. ; large Morris chair l. Several large pictures 
depicting hunti?ig scenes ; other decorations to prove that it 
is the country mansion of a wealthy woman of fashion, 

(Nor. and Alex, are discovered in their liveries, seated 
by the table , with their feet on it, reading magazines. 
RuF. is lounging in the Morris chair l. , smoki?ig a huge 
cigar. After a momejit Col. Arthur Hopkins, a seedy 
looki?ig ifidividual wearing a derby hat and a roving eye, 
comes into sight in the gardefi ; he peers into the room, 
then coughs loudly; the three nobletnen incognito come 
suddenly to attention ; Hop. turns his back, stretches and 
yawns at some length, the?i strolls out of sight.) 

Alex. Diable ! Cet imbecile la. Toujours lui. — Ah ! 

RuF. My dear-r-r fellow, why be annoyed ? He seems to 
be easily enough gotten r-r-rid of ! 

Nor. By Jove, I wish he'd stay gotten rid of. The 
weather's too beastly hot to be chasing him off all the time. 

Alex. Ah, oui, oui ! C'est tres chaud ! Et dans la 
cuisine ! — Ah ! 

RuF. Ah, yes. You are r-r-rather badly off. As for me, 
since Miss Kane learned to r-r-run the machine her-rself, I 
have been a gentleman of leisure. 

Nor. My word, I wish I could say the same ! The con- 
founded guests are forever thinking of things for me to do. 
By Jove, I believe they know who I am, and are taking ad- 
vantage of the opportunity to be waited on by a peer of the 
realm ! And in this beastly hot weather, too ! 

RuF. Noblesse oblige, my fr-r-r-reind. But none of us 
have any reason to complain of our positions here. Upon my 
wor-r-rd, I've never been more comfortable in my life. 

Nor. But, by Jove, none of us seems any nearer to getting 
the girl than we were six months ago. 

20 



PICKING A WINNER 21 

Alex. Sacre, non ! La belle mademoiselle ! — Ah ! 

RuF. Patience, my fr-r-reinds, patience ! Some fine day 
she will r-r-run the automobile into a br-r-r-rick wall, — and I 
will save her life ! Then out of gr-r-r-ratitude she will marry 
me ! {The others growl.) But do not fear, my fr-r-reinds; 
when I assume the reins of the household, you shall both be 
reappointed ! Ha, ha, ha! {The others growl agaiii ; Hop. 
strolls into sight.) Ah ! The mysterious gentleman again ! — 
Well ! He's coming in. 

Enter Hop. ; looks about him shrewdly, and coughs. 

Hop. Hmmmruh ! — Mornin' \ Nice mornin' 1 

RuF. You have said it, my fr-r-reind ! An admir-r-r-rable 
morning ! 

Hop. Yep ! Nice mornin' ! Hmmmmmmmruhhh ! {To 
Alex.) Nice mornin' ! 

Alex. Oui, oui ! Parbleu, quel imbecile ! — Ah ! 

Hop. (cheering up ; brightly). Y-e-s, 'ndeed ! Nice 
mornin' ! Y-e-s, 'ndeed ! {Takes out a note-book and makes 
an entry.) Hmmmmmruhhhhhhhhh ! {To Nor.) Nice 
mornin' ! 

Nor. Oh, by Jove, if you insist, y' know, I think it's a 
beastly morning ! Too bally hot, y' know ; no comfort at 
all ! Beastly morning ! 

Hop. W-a-1, now I de-clare ! {Makes an entry in the note- 
book ; in a whisper to RuF.) Furriners, ain't they ? 

RuF. They are not Amer-r-r-ricans, if that is what you 
mean. 

Hop. Yep ; that's what I mean ! 

RuF. But neither am I an Amer-r-r-rican. 

Hop. What, you a furriner? Why, — you don't talk 
furrin ! 

RuF. Ah, that is because the people of my nation are all 
per-rfect linguists. I am a R-r-r-r-russian ! 

(Hop. jumps.) 

Hop. Eh I A Roosian ? Say, have you ever threw a 
bomb? 

RuF. No, my fr-r-r-reind. 

Hop. Have you ever been sent to Siberia ? 

RuF. Never-r-r-r-r-r-r 1 



22 PICKING A WINNER 

Hop. Then I don't believe you're a Roosian I I know, by 
Sherlock I I've seed Roosians, — in the movies 1 — /know 1 

RuF. {bowing). I am gr-r-r-r-r-rieved to disappoint you I 

Hop. Yep 1 You're a faker, by Sherlock 1 But them two, 
— they're furriners, all right. They talk furrin. — I know I 
(^Goes close to Alex.) Good-day, — Count 1 

Alex, {in great astonishment^ Eh I Diable I Q'est que 
c'est?— Ah 1 

Hop. Ah-ha 1 {Makes an entry.) I said you were French. 
— I know, by Sherlock 1 {Goes close to Nor.) Good-day, — 
Duke I 

Nor. {jumping). My word 1 My word I But I say, y* 
know, I'm not a duke; I'm a 

{At an imperative stgnfrofn RuF. he is suddenly silent.) 

Hop. Eh? Not a duke, eh? Wal, I de-clare; another 
faker, by Sherlock I But you're English, ain't you ? — / know ! 
Nor. Oh, but by Jove 

{At a sign from Ruf. he pauses.) 

Hop. Now, don't deny it. You can't fool me, by Sher- 
lock 1 — /knowl (7> Ruf.) Good-day, — faker! — Ha, ha, 
ha I {Goes to the door ; tur7is.) /know 1 — Ha, ha, ha I 

{He goes out.) 

Alex. Sacre 1 Je suis decouvre 1 — Ah ! 

Nor. By Jove, is it possible? And might I ask, why 
wouldn't you let me tell the blighter my proper title? 

Ruf. Ah, my fr-r-r-reinds 1 Do you not see? He is a de- 
tective; he recognized your nationality, and tried by adr-r-ress- 
ing you by a title to sur-r-rpr-rise you into betraying your posi- 
tion in the peer-r-rage. 

Alex. Diable I 

Nor. But, by Jove, I can't account for a beastly detective 
wanting to find out my rank I I haven't committed any bally 
crime 1 

Ruf. My fr-r-r-reind, no one ever-r-r can account for any- 
thing that a detective ever-r-r-r wants to find out 1 You would 
know that if you were a R-r-r-r-russian. 

Nor. But, by Jove 1 

Ruf. Shhhhh I 



PICKING A WINNER 23 

(Hop. strolls into sight, coughs, turns his backy and stretches 
Jiinisclf as before ; then strolls off.') 

Nor. My word I I wonder how long the fellow's going to 
keep this up? 

Alex. Ah, mon dieu I L' imbecile I J' enrage 1 — Ah 1 

RuF. Oh, we can complain to Miss Kane. But if she 
should learn that he was interested in us professionally 

Nor. Why, we'd all be jolly well shipped 1 

Alex. Ah 1 Terrible I 

RuF. That would be most inconvenient 1 On the other 
hand 

Nor. By Jove I Shhhh I (Hop. enters, repeats the fore- 
going business, ajid goes off.) Oh, I say, this gets jolly well 
on one's nerves, y' know. What with the beastly weather, and 
all I 

Alex. Diable, oui I Venez done avec moi ; je vous feral 
un petit '' mint julep." Hein? 

Nor. Topping ! Topping 1 By Jove, quite an idea I 

RuF. Monsieur Henri, you are a man of supr-r-r-r-reme 
genius. We follow you. 

Alex. AUons I Tout de suite I 

{They go off r. ; Hop. e titers and looks around him care- 
fully ; an auto horn is heard in the distance. Hop. 
takes a sfjiall object resembling a telephone tra?ismitter, to 
which is attached a long wire, from his pocket. He climbs 
on a chair, and endeavors to fasten the contrivance behind 
one of the pictures on the wall. His legs become enta?t- 
gled in the ivire, and he falls, carrying the picture with 
him. At this minute Blanche, Lady J., and^i^ F. en- 
ter, the last two weariftg traveling costumes, and carry- 
ing suit-cases.) 

Blanche. Gracious heavens ! A man 1 — Police 1 — Mur- 
der I — Help I {She comes resolutely forward, and pulls Hop. 
to his feet by the ear.) Now, old scout, make your exit with 
grace and rapidity ; and hereafter leave my Mona Lisas alone. 

Hop. Wal, by Sherlock 1 1 reckon I'll git out if I please. 

Blanche. Yes, yes? Well, you'd better please in short 
order, or else the McNabb police force will receive an unex- 
pected gift, postage prepaid. 

Hop. Oh, no, 'twon'tl I'm the McNabb police force 
m'self I {He shows a sheriff's star.) 



24 PICKING A WINNER 

Blanche. Well 1 And what is that busy organization doing 
butting around my ancestral mansion ? 

Hop. Oh, 1 ain't the police force except in office hours. 
Just now Tm a private detective gatherin* evidence. 

Blanche. Well, you won't gather anything except dust be- 
hind that picture. Now cough it up ; just what are you trying 
to spring on me ? 

Hop. Wal, see that ? (^He shotvs the mysterious instru- 
me tit. ~) Wal, that's a dictagraph, by Sherlock 1 I'm a scien- 
tific detective, I am. And I was just planting it where it would 
do the most good, when the dern picture wire broke. 

Blanche. Well, I don't care to have any dictagraphs 
planted around promiscuous on the premises. We might have 
soup for dinner. So scat, Mr. Detective ! 

Hop. {after a meditative pause). Wal, I s'pose I'll have to 
do without that air evidence. But I'll win out yet, by Sher- 
lock 1 Good-day ! Good-day I (^He goes to the door and 
turns.) Nice mornin*, ain't it? Good-day! {He goes out.) 

Blanche. Good-night 1 My dears, you have no idea what 
an awful bunch of rubes hang out around this joint. 

Lady J. Blanche 1 Your vocabulary has suffered a painful 
reversion to type. 

Blanche. Can't help it, my dear 1 The rest of this little 
house party consists mainly of three most completely slangy 
young gentlemen whose main purpose in life is to lend mental, 
moral and financial support to our great national game. But 
say, why, for the love of Mike, should we be also afflicted with 
a rube detective ? 

Lady J. But where are my three proteges ? Surely they 
can't be very capable if 

Blanche. Good 1 That's the very thing. I haven't had 
a chance to blow them up for a week. I will now descend to 
the lower regions and give the peerage what is technically 
known as hell. By the way, they don't know you're coming. 
I wanted to surprise them. 

Lady J. How thoughtful of you I 

Blanche. Dear me, yes 1 So I got your rooms ready myself. 
You're at the head of the stairs on the first floor, Janet, and 
Mac's way at the top, in the tower. Now run along, while I 
step on the toes of the nobility 1 That door, over there. And 
come down soon. {She runs out.) 

Lady J. The same Blanche I 

Sir F. Thank heaven I 



PICKING A WINNER 25 

Lady J. Thank heaven I 

Sir F. Why, yes. I can like her, can't I, without marry- 
ing her ? 

Lady J. I suppose so. But you're the great disappoint- 
ment of my old age. Come along with you 1 

{She goes out l., followed by Sir F. ; he forgets one of the 
suit-cases. Hop. sticks his head in the door, looks around, 
then enters. He is in the act of plantijig his dictagraph 
behind another picture, wJien Sir F. appears looking for 
the other suit-case. He seizes the detective by the back of 
the neck, and pulls him off the chair.) 

Sir F. You here again ? 

Hop. {defiantly). That I be, by Sherlock 1 Young feller, 
I ain't only scientific ; I'm determined an' dauntless. — That's 
me I By Sherlock I 

Sir F. Well, Miss Kane doesn't want you loafing around 
here ; so run along somewhere else with your science and de- 
termination. 

Hop. Oh, all right I I reckon I'll have to do without that 
air evidence. Good-day 1 {He goes to the door^ and turns.) 
Nice mornin*, ain't it? Good-day ! 

{He goes out ; Sir F. picks up the suit-case ^ and starts to go.) 

Enter Blanche. 

Blanche. Well, I've squelched the peerage. What do you 
think ? Those bums had the nerve to complain that they'd 
been annoyed by Slinky Bill the Boy Sleuth 1 

Sir F. Well, maybe they had been. The gentleman is an 
enterprising soul ; I just had to throw him out again. 

Blanche. Well, the nerve of him I 

Sir F. He was trying to plant his infernal machine under 
another picture. 

Blanche. The nerve I Well, if he tries it again, I'll sic 
the baseball bugs on him. They're always talking about beat- 
ing up people. I'll tell them he's an ex-umpire. 

Sir F. Then your other guests are athletic ? 

Blanche. Only skin deep. Say, Mac, that's one reason 
why I'm so glad you're here. I'm simply dying to be trimmed 
by a man at tennis, — trimmed bad ! 

Sir F. So 1 But if you're such a star that you're unbeat- 
able, 1 don't see what good I'll do. 



L 



26 PICKING A WINNER 

Blanche. Me a star ? Nix ! But father's well-known 
coin has a decided psychological effect on most of the men I 
play tennis with. They all possess the hunch that if they let 
me beat them it puts their batting average up about thirty 
points. 

Sir F. Well, I'll try. I was a fair player at Oxford. 

Blanche. Good work, old top I Come along ; we've time 
for a couple of sets before lunch. Are you game ? 

Sir F. Game is the word. 

Blanche. Then Til meet you here in fifteen minutes. And 
if you dare let me win a {At this 7novie7it a huge St. Ber- 
nard makes his appearance at the entrance back l., evidently 
propelled by a hidden force ifi the garden.) Oh 1 there's 
Billy. Here, Billy, come here. Isn't he a beauty? 

Sir F. By George, but he is that 1 

Blanche. He's a wonder, all right. At the Chicago Ken- 
nel Club last year 

Sir F. Why 1 Look I {He points to something attached 
to Billy's collar ; it is the dictagraph, wire and all.) Shhhhhh I 
(He places his hand over the instrument.) When I finish 
speaking say, ''AH right," then pull the wire till something 
happens. {Removes his hand.) Say, but he is a beauty I 
Can't we go down in the kitchen and get him a bone or some- 
thing ? 

Blanche. All right ! Let's ! 

{She begins to draiv iti the wire slowly ; Sir F. goes back 
stage and ivatches through the folds of the curtains ; sud- 
denly he springs forward, and drags Hop. into the room.) 

Hop. By Sherlock I 

Sir F. I thought I told you to stay away from here. 

Hop. By Sherlock ! And that was the most scientific idea 
I've had for a month. Wal, the best of plans must fail, you 
know. Guess I'll have to do without that evidence. Good- 
day 1 Good-day! {Goes to the door ; turtis.) Nice mornin', 
ain't it? Good-day I {He goes out.) 

Sir F. Well, by George ! 

Blanche. Well, I never I The nerve of that gink I 

Sir F. You'll have to get the great national game after 
him. 

Blanche. I sure will. Thank heaven ! It's going to be 
of some use at last. Honest, Mac, it's great to have you and 
Janet here. After the bunch I've been stranded with here for 



PICKING A WINNER 



27 



the last few weeks Oh, well, wait till you meet them 1 

Now hurry and dress ; — meet you here when you're ready. 

Sir F. All right I And prepare to be trimmed. 

Blanche. You bet I 

{They go out R. ajid L. After a moment Hop. sticks his 
head in ; then enters, a?td succeeds in plantiiig the dicta- 
graph behind a picture. He hears some ojie coming 
through the garden ; dashes around distractedly for a 
mitiuie, then boldly ivalks out of the door back stage, 
stretches and yaivns ivith obvious uncoticern, afid strolls 
away as Isabelle, Olga and Stella Foster enter through 
the door from which he has Just made his exit.) 

Isa. {flouncing into a chair ; tearfully^. Oh, dear / 

Olga {flouncing into another chair ; more tearfully'). I 
think it's perfectly dreadful ! 

Stella {flouncing into a third chair ; still more tearfully) 
So AoW 

Isa. Baseball I 

Olga. Baseball I 

Stella. Baseball ! 

Isa. For three whole miles I 

Olga. For three whole hours ! 

Stella. Oh, gracious ! I could cry ! {She does so.) 

Isa. Here they come ! 

Olga. Don't pay any attention. 

Stella. No ! 

{They compose themselves ; voices raised in strenuous argu- 
ment are heard off stage ; enter Fred, Mervyn and 
Frank.) 

Frank. Not a chance ! If St. Louis had Tinker and 
Walter Johnson they couldn't finish better than fifth ! 

Mer. What ! Why, last year Johnson pitched thirty-seven 
games and won 



Fred. Rats ! Rats ! If it hadn't been for 



Frank. Where do you suppose they could find a catcher 

to hold his speed in that 

Mer. Why, you're crazy ! If Tinker got a chance to 

Fred. Rats ! Rats ! Do you suppose that 

Frank. Besides, he's getting old, and 

& Mer. But if they'd only let Johnson 



28 PICKING A WINNER 

Fred. Rats! Rats! You don't know what you're talk- 
ing about. Why, if any of those poor {Sees the girls ; 

pauses.^ Oh, here you are ! My, what was all the hurry 
about ? {JSFo a?iswer ; the three girls grab up books and maga- 
zines, and turn their backs.) Well, say ! 

Mer. (/// a whisper'). What's up ? Are they sore at any- 
thing ? 

Frank. Looks like it. 

Fred. Rats ! Just pretend you don't notice it. {Crosses 
the room ; in a cheerful, breezy tone.) Say, Olga, it's a fine 
morning. How about a little tennis ? I'll bet you a box of 

Huyler's against a {At the continued silence his nerve 

gives way.) Ugh 1 I resign I 

Mer. What do you suppose it is? 

Frank. Don't know. Let's find out. {hi a brisk, busi- 
nesslike way.) Say, Isabelle, nothing wrong, is there? Be- 
cause, if we've done anything, y' know — er — a — ^just tell us, 
and — er — a — why, we'll be only too glad to — er — a — er — do 

anything, y' know, to — er — er — a {Gives up in despair.) 

Ouch! 

Mer. Well, something is wrong, that's evident. 

Fred. Rats ! What do you suppose it is ? 

Mer. Search me ! At any rate, we're in dutch ; we'll 
have to kid them out of it. Come ahead. ( Crosses and sits 
071 the arm of Stella's chair ; coaxijigly.) Say, Stella, I'm 
awfully sorry for whatever I've done; won't you forgive me, 
just this once? 

Frank {leaning ofi the back of IsA.^s chair). Yes, Isabelle, 
won't you ease up this time? We don't want to have a row, 
you know ; we couldn't have any fun then ! 

Fred {sitting down on the floor at Olga's feet). Rats, 
no ! — Aw, come ahead, Olga ; tell us what's wrong ! I'll let 
you beat me a dozen sets of tennis straight if you'll forgive me. 

Mer. Stella, won't you tell me what's wrong? 

Frank. You might at least give us the chance to apologize. 

Fred. Rats, yes ! I've got a beautiful apology all ready 
to spring. 

Mer. You know, I think an awful lot of you, Stella. 

Frank. If you'll just tell me what to say. 

Fred. Why, rats I Olga, I'd do anything for you. 

Mer. Come ahead, be a good fellow. 

Frank. You're such a good sport, Isabelle, if you'll 
only 



PICKING A WINNER 2<) 

Enter Yiov., full of righteous anger. 

Hop. Say 1 Do you call that evidence ? By Sherlock, I 
don't I 

Mer. What the ? 

Frank. How in thunder ? 

Fred. Rats I Who in Pete's name are you ? 

Hop. Me? I'm Col. Arthur Hopkins, scientific private 
detective de luxe, and a peck of dern fools is spoilin* my plans. 

Mer. Who do you mean? 

Hop. I mean you, by Sherlock ! My sakes, what all I've 
had to listen to the last few minutes ! 

Frank. Well, that's your own fault. You needn't have 
listened. 

Fred. Rats, no ! Get to the deuce out of here, or you'll 
be kicked out. {^He advances threateningly.) 

Hop. Be careful, young fellow. Don't you offer violence 
to the McNabb police force. (Shows his star.) I'm goin', 
by Sherlock ! Might have to listen to some more of that air 
truck. — Peck er fools! — Good-day! (^He goes to the door; 
turns.') Nice mornin', ain't it ? Good-day I {He goes out.) 

Mer. Well, that's some rube, believe me I 

Frank. The original hayseed, all right. 

Fred {imitating Hop.). Yep, by Sherlock ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

IsA. Well ! You needn't talk. You're just as big rubes 
yourselves. 

Olga. Yes, indeed ! All three of you. 

Stella. I should say so ! 

Mer. Great Scott I How do you make that out ? 

ISA. Well, don't you think it's a rube trick to ask us to go 
for a walk, and then the whole way do nothing but talk base- 
ball ! 

Olga. Baseball ! 

Stella. Baseball !— Ugh ! 

Mer. Oh ! So that's what's wrong, eh? Well, say, I'm 
awfully sorry we bored you. 

Frank. And we'll promise never to say a word about base- 
ball again ! 

Fred. Rats, no ! Not a syllable ! 

ISA. Really truly ? 

Mer. Honest to goodness ! 

Frank. Hope to die ! 

Fred. Never again ! 



30 



PICKING A WINNER 



ISA. Oh, do you really mean it ? Because 

Olga. We can have such fun together ! 

Stella. But when you're always talking baseball 

IsA. We can't get a word in edgewise 

Olga. And it's so stupid 

Stella. And silly. 

IsA. You really promise ? 

Mer. (Jiolding up his right hafid). Swear it. 

Frank {same business'). Ditto ! 

Fred {same busifiess). Ditto ! 

ISA. Oh, isn't that fine ! Because we want to get up a 
picnic for the new guests, the Macdonalds ; we're going to go 
as far as the river in machines 

Olga. And take our lunch in baskets I 

Stella. And go fishing ! 

Olga. And wading 1 

Stella. And sing songs ! 

ISA. And without you to help us of course it would be a 
perfectly awful fizzle ; so now that (Enter Nor., carry- 
ing a newspaper.) Oh, what is it, Henry? 

Nor. The paper, ma'am ! {Holds it out.) 

Mer. {pou7icing upon it). Wow ! 

Frank. Woof ! 

Fred. Zowie ! 

Mer. Wait a moment ! {Holds them off.) Three to one 
Chicago beats Brooklyn. 

Fred. Take you ! 

Frank. Two to one New York beats Chicago in the 
American. 

Mer. Done ! 

{^With a skilled hand he opens to the sporting page.) 

Fred. Wheeh I Brooklyn wins 1 

Frank. New York wins ! 

Mer. Yes, but Philadelphia got trimmed twice, too. 

Fred. Oh, rats I 

Frank. Detroit took a double header from Washington. 
Where's your Walter Johnson now ? 

Mer. Why, you nut, he didn't pitch. 

Fred. Rats 1 He'd have lost if he had, just the same. 
Why, Ty Cobb can smash his stuff so that 

Frank. Cer-tainly ! Why, one day last year against 
Cleveland 



PICKING A WINNER 



31 



Mer. You think so, hey? Well, if Walter Johnson can't 
strike out a bum faker like Ty Cobb any day in the week, 
why 

Fred. Rats I Rats ! Why, he can't even 

Frank. Did you ever see 

Mer. Well, if you think that he wouldn't be 

Fred. Rats ! Why, if Baker 

Frank. That's all right ; but when Wagner was 

Mer. But if Johnson had 

ISA. Oh 1 

(She bursts into tears ^ and runs from the room.) 

Frank. Eh? 

Fred. Why, — what ? 

Olga. Oh— oh ! 

{She begins to weep copiously ^ and rushes off the stage.') 

Mer. Say, what in ? 

Stella. Oh — ho — oh 1 

{Outweeping the other Sy she departs precipitously ^ leaving 
blank stupefaction behind her,) 

Mer. Well, I'll 

Frank. Be 



Fred. Damned ! 

Mer. Gee I I forgot. Didn't you ? 

Frank. Right away 1 

Fred. Just like that ! 

Mer. Good-night ! 

Frank. Biff I And we're in dutch again ! 

Fred. Oh, rats 1 We should worry I Come ahead down 
to the drug store, and finish the argument. Ten to one they'll 
hit there before lunch time, and we'll feed them sodas till we're 
reinstated. 

Mer. All right ! {They start for the door.) But if you're 
bone-head enough to think that Walter Johnson can't 

Frank. I do think it. Why, two years ago, even, when 
he was good 

Fred. Rats I Rats ! Why, if he'd ever 

( Their voices die out in the dista?ice. Hop. enters, scratches 
his head meditatively for a minutey then takes down the 



32 PICKING A WINNER 

dictagraph^ rolls up the wire, and puts it in his pocket. 
Then ivith deliberate determination in every feature, he 
sits down, afid proceeds to light a corn-cob pipe. Blanche 
enter s^ dressed for tennis. She sees Hop., a7id visibly 
wilts. As a second thought she assumes the Lady at the 
Waldorf.) 

Blanche. Well ! So sorry you had to walk. I'll have the 
machine sent at once to the station for your luggage. 

Hop. Eh! What's that? 

Blanche. Our rates are three-fifty per week, including 
breakfast, supper and the use of the parlor piano. We have 
recently installed all the most modern sanitary improvements, 
including a golf links. Any guests desiring to 

Hop. Say, y' know, I believe you're trying to string me, 
by Sherlock ! 

Blanche. Oh, no / 

Hop. Wal, I don't care. 'Tain't goin' to bother me. We 
detectives can stand a lot, y' know. 

Blanche. My ! I'm glad of that. But before I ring for 
the strong arm squad, would you mind telling me what you're 
after ? 

Hop. Wal ! By Sherlock ! I'll do it ! But you won't 
want any of the reward, will you ? 

Blanche. Oh, dear me, no ! I was seriously thinking of 
offering a reward to any one who'd painlessly remove you from 
the premises. 

Hop. Wal, you help me find my man, and I'll git out soon 
enough. 

Blanche. Ah ! A man ? Thrills ! 

Hop. Yep ! A man. — A nobleman, by Sherlock ! Now, 
h'sten. I've had a letter from my chief in New York to the 
effect that there is a furriner with a title somewhere here in Mc- 
Nabb. Now, they want to git hold of this feller and offer him 
a lot of money for some land of his before somebody else does 
it ahead of them. 

Blanche. Yes, yes. Go on. 

Hop. Now, by means of my scientific investigations I've 
deduced that this mysterious nobleman is right here in this 
house. 

Blanche. No ! 

Hop. Yes, by Sherlock 1 

Blanche. How did you ever find it out? 



PICKING A WINNER 



33 



Hop. Science, by Sherlock ! Science. 

Blanche. Wonderful man ! Well, then, I'll confess the 
truth. I've known for some time that one of my three servants 
was a nobleman in disguise. 

Hop. By Sherlock ! 

Blanche. And you said you wanted to pay them money 
for something ? 

Hop. Yes, by Sherlock ! A hundred thousand pounds, 
whatever they be ! 

Blanche. A hun Good-night ! Half a million ! 

Say, listen to me. You get these servants of mine in here, and 
tell them what's coming to the one who owns the title, and 
you'll find out soon enough which one he is. Isn't that a first 
rate scientific idea ? 

Hop. By Sherlock, yes ! 

Blanche. Good ! Then I'll call them, and science can 
proceed. (Sir F. enters, in flanfiels.) Or wait. Let Mac do 
it. They aren't wise to the fact that I know the truth. Mac, 
run down and call Henri, Heinrich and 'Enry. Tell them to 
come up here and meet a gentleman on business ; and don't 
say I sent you. 

Sir F. Right-o ! {He goes out. ) 

Blanche. Now, Colonel, don't forget to be duly scientific. 

Hop. By Sherlock I that's me. Say, do I look nervous? 

Blanche. Not a nerve, old top I 

Hop. {becomifig tnot-e and more excited'). By Sherlock ! 
I'll bet I get on the New York police force for this job, by 
Sherlock I 

Enter Sir F. 

Sir F. They're coming ! 

Blanche. Good 1 Quick, we must beat it ! Don't forget 
to be scientific, Colonel. 

( They go out back l.) 
Hop. By Sherlock I 

{He manifests an advanced condition of stage fright ; finally 
pulls together, and carefully inspects a revolver, a magni- 
fying glass, and a pair of handcuffs which he takes from 
his pocket and then replaces there.) 

Enter 'K\5¥., Alex. a?id 'Hor. , front i.. 



34 



PICKING A WINNER 



RuF. Ah, my fr-r-r-reind ; we meet again 1 

Alex. Parbleu 1 L' imbecile 1 — Ah 1 

Nor. By Jove, old top, I understand you have something 
important to say to us. 

Hop. Yep, by Sherlock I {In his best scientific manner.) 
I suppose none of you fellers has any particular prejudice 
against money ? Lots of money ? 

RuF. Well — er — not so that it is per-r-r-rceptibly notice- 
able. 

Hop. Good 1 I thought the Socialist ticket warn't intro- 
duced in Yurrup yet. Well, now I'm going to tell you a se- 
cret ; I'm a detective. 

RuF. Impossible I 

Hop. Yep, by Sherlock I Now, by my scientific deduc- 
tions I've discovered that one of you three fellers is a nobleman 
in disguise. 

RuF. Good heavens 1 But which one, my fr-r-reind ; 
which one ? 

Hop. Denied if I know. So since time's short, and my 
employers are in a hurry to git the job off their hands, and pay 
over this here hundred thousand pounds, why 

RuF. What 1 A hundr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r 

Alex. Diable 1 Q'est que c'est? 

Nor. By Jove I By Jove ! 1 

RuF. Let us be calm. Now, my fr-r-r-reind, kindly en- 
lighten us in detail. 

Hop. Why, just this. My employers want to find this fel- 
ler, and buy up what they call his ancestral estates. That's 
all ; so if any of you are the right man, and can show the 
proofs 

RuF. My fr-r-r-r-r-reind. The wor-r-r-r-rd of a R-r-r-r-r- 
r-r-russian should suffice. But, if you demand pr-r-r-r-r-roofs, 
— wait I 

(^He dashes off stage, r., in tnost undignified haste,) 

Alex, {wildly). Sacre I Attendez moi ! Attendez moi I 

{He rushes after him.) 

Nor. Oh, I say 1 The blighters ! Here, I say, you 1 I 
say {He follows precipitously. ) 

Hop. {beside hitnself ivith scientific joy). By Sherlock I 
By Sherlock 1 



PICKING A WINNER 35 

Enter Alex, on the run, hangifig several glittering decorations 
around his neck. 

Alex. Monsieur I Cher mousieur I Be-hold me 1 Alex- 
andre Bruno, Count de Chabresfeu, Due de Longreville, et 
Marquis de Bonaventure; Membre de I'Academie, et Chev- 
alier de le Legion d'Honneur. A votre service. 

Hop. By Sherlock I 

Alex. Ah, monsieur, je yous aime, je vous adore I 

{Kisses him on both cheeks.') 

Hop. By Sherlock 1 

Enter Nor., adjusting his regalia, an even more sumptuous 
display than that of Alex. 

Nor. Oh, I say I Wait a moment, you bally Frenchman. 
Now, old top, you see, he may be a count, y' know, but I'm 
Lord Kenneth Edward Macyn James Montrose de Montague 
Ethlymn, Earl of Norton, Viscount Delbershire-Stinelmont, and 
Baronet of Elbridge-Colby, Order of St. Michael and St. 
George, Order of the Indian Empire, Order of St. Andrew, 
Order of the Garter, V. C, K. C. B. By Jove 1 

Hop. By Sherlock 1 {Enter Ruf., wearing a huge Cos- 
sack coat, elaborately trimmed with fur.') Hello I Here's the 
fake Roosian. And who may you be ? 

Ruf. My fr-r-r-r-r-reind, I cannot waste your pr-r-r-riceless 
time in enumerating all of my titles. I must confine myself to 
a bare few. But among other things, I am Boris Ruffievitch, 
Gr-r-rand Duke of Kharkov-Bogodoffkin, Imperial Duke of 
Karvingliebesk, Pr-r-r-rince R-r-r-r-royal of Vladimeiensca, 
Pr-r-rince of Viestebec-Toreztosk, Baron of Yamensk- 
Koreschek, Count of Novgordstalben, Count of Mo- 
hivlesk-Bykoh, Count of Koltemnitzt-Jelankofskol, and Im- 
perial Commander of the R-r-royal Koravinskaelposk-Vosluga 
Cossacks. 

{He throws open his coat, disclosing a glittering mass of 
medals, orders and other decorations.) 

Hop. By Sherlock I I oughta be worried I 
CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE.— 7%<? same as Act II. 

(Alex, is discovered alone y excitedly practicitig passes with 
a longy delicate rapier. After a moment he hears some 
one coming ; he hastily goes out, as Nor. enters with a 
large leather case. From this he takes a couple of enor- 
mous and very ornate dueling pistols, which he commences 
to load. Alex, reenters cautiously ; as he does so, Ruf. 
appears through the garden, whirling a five foot cavalry 
sabre around his head, and making vicious passes at an 
imaginary enemy. ^ 

Alex. Pour le nom de dieu ! Qu'est ce qu'il fait, cet 
monsieur ? — Ah 1 

Nor. By Jove, that's exactly what I'd like to know 1 (Ruf. 
makes a violent slash.) Oh, 1 say 1 

Alex. Parbleu I 

(Ruf. enters, and bows.) 

Ruf. Ah, my fr-r-r-reinds, you have sur-r-r-r-rpr-r-rised 
me. Well, it is best that you should know. 

Nor. Know what ? 

Ruf. That I have made a decision. We must fight. 

Nor. Fight ? 

Ruf. Yes. No other means can decide between us. 

Nor. By Jove, just what I'd hit on myself. But what are 
you doing with that beastly sword ? 

Ruf. I am pr-r-r-r-r-r-racticing, — for the duel. 

Nor. But we're not going to fight with those things? 

Ruf. Why, yes ! (^Ile makes a pass ; the others jump.) 

Nor. Oh, by Jove, no ! What ! let you hack me to pieces 
with that beastly meat axe? I'd be a silly ass ! 

Ruf. Then you r-r-r-r-refuse to fight ? 

Nor. Oh, no I But we'll fight with these, you know 1 

(Zr<? takes up pistols.) 
Ruf. {shrugging his shoulders). Ha, ha, ha 1 My dear-r-r-r 

36 



PICKING A WINNER 07 

fellow, you English are so amusing. Why, I am sur-r-r-r- 
pr-r-r-rised that you did not suggest six-inch guns at six 
miles. — Ha, ha, ha, ha I 

Nor. By Jove, now I Why, that's a bally insult. Those 
pistols belonged to my great-great-grandfather. 

RuF. My fr-r-r-r-reind, 1 believe you ! 

Nor. Oh, by Jove I Then I'm dashed if your beastly meat 
axes didn't belong to Noah ! 

RuF. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I My fr-r-r-r-reind, you are 
what Miss Kane would call a scr-r-r-r-ream. 

{He turns his back.) 

Nor. {threateningly). Confound your impudence I 
RuF. Ha, ha, ha 1 

{Snaps his fingers in Nor.' s /ace. Alex, pushes between 
them.) 

Alex. Messieurs I Messieurs I Je yous prie 1 Moi, je le 
deciderai. Be-hold 1 — Ah ! 

{Ife gives each one a rapier, keeping one himself.) 

Nor. Oh, I say ! Now, really, you don't expect me to 
kill a man with this silly thing, do you? 

RuF. Ha, ha, ha, ha I Why not knitting needles? 

Alex. Ah, vous riez? Eh bien 1 {He flashes his blade, 
and makes lightning passes at each; they jump.) Fi done I—- 
Ah I 

Nor. Oh, my word I And do you think that I'm going to 
stand up there and be jolly well stuck full of holes ? 

RuF. Outr-r-r-r-r-rageous 1 It is beneath the dignity of a 
R-r-r-r-russian ! 

Alex. Ha, ha ! You are a-fraid ? 

Nor. Afraid ? 

RuF. My fr-r-r-r-reind ? 

Alex. Cowards ! Ha, ha, ha ! Cowards ! 

Nor. By Jove, are we going to let this bally shrimp call us 
cowards? 

RuF. Cer-r-r-rtainly not. We must chastise him. 

{They advance on Alex., who keeps them off with the rapier.) 
Enter Frank, Mer. and Fred. 



38 PICKING A WINNER 

Frank. Say, what's going on here ? 

Mer. It's a duel, by gum ! 

Fred. Rats, no ! It's a class in vivisection. 

Frank. Let us in on it. 

Mer. What's all the row about ? Come on, be good boys, 
and tell the National Commission all about it. 

Nor. Why, you know, it's all very simple. We've got to 
fight a duel, and, by Jove, these chaps here don't know a 
blasted thing about how to do it ! One of them wants to 
fight with a hatpin, and the other wants to fight with a beastly 
meat chopper. My word ! 

RuF. That is ver-r-r-ry near-r-r-rly the situation, my 
fr-r-r-r-reinds ! But our humor-r-rous British fr-r-r-r-reind, 
knowing nothing of the gentle ar-r-r-rt of dueling, desir-r-r-res 
that we bombar-r-r-rd each other with efficient but pr-r-rosaic 
coast ar-r-r-rtilerr-r-ry ar-r-r-rmament you see there ! 

{Points to the pistols.) 

Alex Mais oui ! Terrible ! We laugh. Ha, ha ! But 
see I Be-hold 1 {He makes several quick passes with the 
rapier ; all jump.) Le voila 1 Ha, ha 1 

RuF. You see, my fr-r-r-r-reinds, he is not a barbarian, he 
is, in fact, too much the poet ; he desir-r-r-res to slay with a 
bodkin. But enough 1 It is decided. We shall fight with the 
only weapon worthy of an officer and a gentleman. 

{He whirls the sabre ; it makes a swishing noise ; all jump.) 

Nor. {persuasively). Now, my dear chap, just listen to 
reason. That sort of thing, you know, is jolly well impossible ! 

Alex. Mais oui ? Ah 1 Cet instrument de carnage I — Ah, 
terrible 1 

RuF. Very well ; if you are both afraid 

{Shrugs his shoulders.) 

Alex. Diable 1 A-fraid ? Moi ? Moi ? — Ah 1 

Nor. By Jove, now, you'll have to retract that, old top. 

{He ajid Alex, advance in battle array.) 

Frank. Here 1 Here 1 In a minute one of you'll lose 
his temper. 

Mer. It does look as though that might happen. 



PICKING A WINNER 



39 



Frank. Now, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll arbitrate. 

Fred. Rats ! Yes. 

Frank. Now, you stand over there. (^Leads Ruf. to r. of 
stage.) And you stand over there. {Leads Alex, to l.) And 
you stay where you are. (^Motions Nor. to stand in the c. ) 
Now, the Hague Tribunal this way. {The three confer in 
whispers back stage ; Alex. a7id Ruf. begin practicing with 
their respective weapons^ gradually converging toivard the 
centre of the stage ; at last Nor. seizes a pistol in each hand, 
and is about to take drastic measures. Frank comes forward.^ 
Hey I Hey I None of that I Here, take away their toys. 
{He collects the instrufnents of warfare.) Now, just wait till 
1 come back, and I'll have weapons for you to use that will be 
absolutely fair to all ! \_Exit, 

Nor. By Jove ! 

Ruf. What does he mean ? 

Mer. That's all right I Just wait till he comes. Say, this 
is going to be some scrap ! And absolutely on the level. 

Fred. Rats I Yes. Free for all, fair for all I 

Alex. Diable I 

Nor. My word, but you Americans are a clever crowd, to 
think out a way so quickly ! 

Mer. Oh, we're clever, all right 1 You just wait till you 
see (^;z/^r Frank.) Ah! 

Frank. Here we are; a square deal to every one. We 
strive to please. {He hands each one a baseball bat. ) Here — 
here — here. — Now, go to it ! {He pushes ^x^y. forward.) 

Mer. {pushing Alex.). Go ahead ! — Sail in ! — Soak him 
on the bean ! 

Fred {pushing Nor.). Swat him a good one ! Beat him 
up ! Pretend he's an umpire. 

All Three. Kill him ! Kill him ! Kill him ! 

{They enthusiastically try to start something. Isa., Olga 
a7id Stella appear in the garden ; they all scream, a?id 
run forward. Isa. falls upoii the neck of Ruf. ; Olga 
does the same to Alex. , and Stella to Nor. The e^itire 
7tiale contingent is dtimbfou?ided,) 

Isa. (to Ruf.). My dearest, are they killing you? 
Olga (to Alex.). Speak to me, my own ! Are you 
injured ? 

Stella {to Nor.). Darling, fear not ! I am here ! 



40 picking a winner 

Frank. '\ 

Mer. y Well, for the love of Mike I 
Fred. ) 

Frank. Say, what is this ? 
Mer. Do you mean ? 
Fred. Well — dog-gone ! 
Is A. My hero ! 
Olga. My Napoleon I 
Stella. My Julius Caesar I 
Fred. Oh, rats ! 

Frank. See here, Isabelle, I thought you and I were 
engaged I 

Fred. And see here, Olga, I thought — oh, rats I 

Mer. Well, at least I thought that my Stella wouldn't 



( T/iere is the soujid, very audible, of three kisses almost in 
u?iiso?i.^ 

Frank. ~) 
Mer. [ Oh! 
Fred. J 

Lady J. appears at the hack, takes in the scene, and hides be- 
hind the curtains of the door. 

Mer. Well, the least you can do is to tell us how it all 
happened. 

Isa. Why — why — it hasn't happened till just now. But 
it's been happening, oh, ever so long ! {Looks adoringly at 
RuF.) I — I — have loved him from afar. 

Olga. And so have I. 

Stella. And so have I. 

Isa. But now he is mine forever ! 

Olga. And mine ! 

Stella. And mine ! 

{There is another simultaneous kiss.') 

Fred. Oh, rats ! But see here ! How about the gentle- 
men concerned ? What do they have to say about it ? 
Mer. Yes. Come ahead, boys ; cough it up ! 

Nor. Oh, by Jove ! Really, I — I— really 

Alex. Parbleu ! 

RuF. My fr-r-r-r-r-reinds, I am dumb ! 



Nor. So sudden, and all, you know ! Really, I — I 



PICKING A WINNER 4I 

Lady J. (coming forward'). Perhaps I can help you out. 
If you'll pardon me for a moment ? {She gathers the three 
noblemen about her ; in a whisper.) Do you want me to tell 
you who the father of these girls is ? 

Nor. By Jove, yes ! 

Lady J. But on one condition, that you won't forget my 
commission. 

Nor. By Jove, no ! — That is, you know, I'll consider the 
matter. Etiquette, and all that, you know. 

Lady J. Well, then, Mr. Foster is the owner of the Sierra 
Cantara silver mines, and he's worth thirty millions ! 

Nor. Oh, I say ! — Pounds ? 

Lady J. Dollars. 

Nor. Oh, deuce take it ! But by Jove ! {Turns and 
crosses to Stella.) I say, old girl, you know, I'm jolly well 
head over heels in love with you, by Jove 1 Will you marry 
me? 

Stella. Dearest 1 {She falls on his neck.) 

Alex. Et vous, mademoiselle, est ce que vous m'epouseraz? 

Olga. My beloved ! (She falls on his neck.) 

RuF. And — ah — er 

Is A. My own ! {She falls on his neck.) 

Fred. Oh, rats ! We should worry 1 Let's go down town 
and watch these bush leaguers play. Maybe they'll kill an 
umpire. Good-bye 1 

S^--} Good-bye. 

{They go out l., leaving behind them an affecting tableau.) 
Enter from the garden Blanche and Sir F. 

Blanche. Well — for the love of Pete 1 

Lady J. Doesn't it make a lovely picture ? 

Blanche. Who did it ? 

Lady J. I did. 

Blanche. Well ! (She gazes at the?n for a second ; sud- 
denly has a great a7id wonderful idea. She whistles softly.) 
Say ! {Goes to Alex.) Just a moment, Henri 1 

{She draws him aside, and talks to hitn in a whisper.) 

Sir F. And now what's slie up to? 

Lady J. I don't know. Francis. Listen to me I {Takes 



42 PICKING A WINNER 

his hand, atid points at the ethers, ) Go thou and do like- 
wise. 

Sir F. I — I — no ! I can't. I like her too well. 

Lady J. Nonsense I Just because 

Blanche. Good scout 1 {She claps Alex, on the back, 
and turns to Ruf.) Kommen Sie hier, Heinrich. 

{She talks to him aside.) 

Sir F. The plot thickens I 

Lady J. Francis I How do you know you're being fair to 
her ? She likes you, perhaps even more than either of us 
know. 

Sir F. That's it— I'm afraid I do know ! 

Lady J. Then don't be silly I Just take her out in the 
garden, now, and ask her. 

Sir F. No ! Not just yet I Wait a few days ! 

Lady J. Then it may be too late I If you can't 

Blanche. Whew 1 Say, that's a pippin I Write it out for 
me, will you ? Now, Hennery, a word in your shell pink ear I 

{She draws Nor. aside.) 

Lady J. Francis, listen 1 If my three protdges live up to 
their promises, I'll divide with you ; then will you ask her? 

Sir F. No I I couldn't do that I 

Lady J. Yes 1 Please ! Please I 

Sir F. Why, good heavens I I'd rather 

Nor. Oh, by Jove I 

Blanche. Is it a go ? 

Nor. Well, rather 1 My word, what a topping idea I 

Blanche. Good ! Then we're all happy. Bless you, my 
children 1 

IsA. Oh, thanks, thanks 1 And Blanche, dear, you — you 
won't mind if we start on the four o'clock train for Butte? 
You know, we'll have to hurry home and break the news to 
father. 

Blanche. That's all right ! Come with me, and I'll 
break it to him for you, by long distance — 1^7.50 for three 
minutes 1 

Olga. Oh, Blanche, you're a dear. 

Stella. Isn't she? 

Nor. By Jove, yes ! 

Blanche. Come along, Janet ; I may need your help. 



PICKING A WINNER 43 

And Mac — wait just a minute, will you? I — I want to talk 
business to you. 

Sir F. I'll be here. 

Blanche. Good I Come along 1 

{All go out but Sir F. ; he watches them go, then sits down R.) 
Enter Hop. ; he pauses, and looks around. 

Hop. Hmmmmm 1 Nice afternoon, ain't it? 

Sir F. Good heavens I You here again ? 

Hop. Yep 1 And say, young feller, you're the man I'm 
looking for. {Mysteriously.) I want your help. 

Sir F. Well, shoot ! 

Hop. See this? {He takes out a letter.) Well, them's 
the instructions they sent me about this here count or duke or 
whatever he is. Now, I've deduced scientifically that he's one 
of these three fellers here ; see ? Course, they're in disguise, 
and won't give their real names ; but there's where you kin 
help. Just you question 'em careful, and when you find out 
which one's named Macdonald 

Sir F. Named what ? 

Hop. Macdonald, Francis Macdonald. 

Sir F. And what about him? 

Hop. Why, he's the feller I'm after. You see, they've 
found out that what they call his ancestral estate, which I takes 
to be some kind of a farm, is solid coal, an' worth millions an' 
millions of dollars ! 

Sir F. Great heavens ! And so ? 

Hop. Well, he don't know it yet, and some smart fellers 
are trying to buy it off him before he learns. 

Sir F. Oh ! He don't know it yet. Mmmmm, I see ! — 
Well, now, how much would you take to throw up this case, 
and sell me that document ? There are some names in it that 
might interest my lawyers. 

Hop. By Sherlock ! Derned if I know ! 

Sir F. Say, fifty dollars? 

Hop. Fifty — uh ? 

Sir F. {giving him bills). Nice new ones ! 

{He takes the letter.) 

Hop. Well, by Sherlock ! By Sherlock ! 

Sir F. Good ! And now you'll give up the case ? 



44 



PICKING A WINNER 



Hop. Give it up? Gosh, I'll give up the whole detective 
business ! Why, w^ith this here I can be elected mayor of Mc- 
Nabb, by Sherlock ! 

Sir F. Fine ! 

Hop. By Sherlock 1 ( Goes to the door.) By Sherlock I 

{He goes out. Sir F. tears open the letter ^ and reads ; 
shakes his fist at itj and puts it away. Stands thinking 
for a moment y then gleefully slaps his thigh. ^ 

Enter Blanche. 

Blanche. Well, it's all serene. Father was tickled to 
death 1 

Sir F. Great work 1 

Blanche. And now they're all happy. Isn't it nice? — 
Are you happy, too? Because I am 1 

Sir F. Are you? 

Blanche. Yes, I've been beaten at tennis, at last 1 

Sir F. It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it? 

Blanche. No — not much — ^just a man — a real man I 
Will you play me every day for the rest of your visit ? 

Sir F. Yes, but I'm afraid that my visit isn't going to last 
much longer. Things have happened. I must go back to Eng- 
land. 

Blanche. Oh 1 {Pause.) What things? {He is silent.^ 
Not — financial things ? 

Sir F. Well— yes. 

Blanche. Oh I (She pauses ; impulsively.) Mac! Will 
you let me help you ? I want to, and I can; why shouldn't I ? 

Sir F. But 1 (He pauses, and thinks it over.) 

Blanche. Yes — some people think — oh I (She nervously 
places her hand ott his sleeve.) Mac, I know that you oughtn't 
to think of — of marrying out of the peerage, but I — I — but, Mac, 
even if I'm not really in the peerage, I've got the handles, at 
least. 

Sir F. The what ? 

Blanche. The tides. I — I've just completed a series of 
bargains with our friends out there, and — and now I'm the 
Marquise de Bonaventure, the Baroness Elbridge- Colby and the 
Countess Koltemnitz-Jelankofskol I — at ten thousand /<?r. 

Sir F. You — you bought those titles ? 

Blanche. I did ! 

Sir F. Just— just ? 



PICKING A WINNER 45 

Blanche. So — so you wouldn't have to be ashamed of me. 

Sir F. Blanche I {He takes her in his arms.) Dear girl 1 

Blanche. Oh — I'm so happy 1 

Sir F. And 1 1 

Blanche. And you'll always beat me at tennis? 

Sir F. Always I {Pause?) And, Blanche, I have the 
most wonderful news to tell you. I just learned it. 

Blanche. What is it ? 

Sir F. Why, I find that I'm {He takes the letter fr 0771 

his pocket ; suddenly looks at Blanche, and pauses.') Noth- 
ing 1 — Nothing 1 — I thought it was news, good news, the best 
in the world, what would be called a scoop, with big head-lines, 
but it really wasn't. It was only an item, a tiny little item, 
not really important at all. 

{He puts the letter back in his pocket.) 

Blanche. I don't get you. 

Sir F. You should worry 1 {He kisses her.) 



CURTAIN 



New Plays 



LOST— A CHAPERON 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
By Courtney Bruerton and W. S. Mauhby 

Six male, nine female characters. Costumes modern ; scenery, an in- 
terior and an easy exterior. Plays a full evening. An excellent comedy 
with the true college atmosphere but with its scenes away from actual col- 
lege life. A breezy lot of college girls in camp lose their chaperon for 
twenty-four hours, and are provided by a camp of college boys across the 
lake with plenty of excitement. The parts are all good and of almost 
equal opportunity, the situations are very funny and the lines full of laughs. 
This is sure to be liked by the young people for whom it is intended, and 
is strongly recommended for high-school performance. Price^ 2^ cents. 

CHARACTERS 

George Higgins, a Tuffs A. B. . . , Ernest S. Swenson 

Jack Abbott, ] Tuft's sud-fres Amen, camp- Stanley M. Brown 

Fred Lawton, ) in^ with Higgins . . Arthur J. Anderson 

Raymond Fitzhenry, a Harvard student Arthur T. Hale 

Dick Norton, ) ^^ , .,. ^^ .^,,^, Ernest A. Larrabee 

Tom Crosby. | 'ff'^'^^ engineers . . Ferdinand Bryham 
Marjorie Tyndall, George's cousin: a 

Smith girl Helen J. Martin 

Alice Bennett, ] Dorothy F. Entwistle 

Agnes Arabella Bates, I ^ , . , Edith H. Bradford 

Ruth French, f Jackson girls Marjorie L. Henry 

Blanche Westcott, J Beatrice L. Davis 
Mrs. Higgins, the chaperon. George's 

mother Effie M. Ritchie 

Mrs. Sparrow, a farmer's wife. {Not in the original cast.) 

Mandy, ]^^^^^^^^^ers. 

SYNOPSIS 
Act I. — The Girls' Camp at Sherwood, 7 A. M. 
Act II.— The Fellows' Camp at Sherwood, 8 A. M. 
Act III. — Same as Act I, 10 a. m. 

A BRIDE FROM HOME 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 

By Willis Steell 
Two male, two female characters. Costumes modern ; scene, an in- 
terior. Plays twenty minutes. A capital sketch of Hebrew life and 
character, combining good comedy with genuine pathos. Moves very 
swiftly and is very effective. Can be strongly recommended for ekher 
vaudeville use or for amateur theatricals. Price^ /j cents» 



Novelties 



THE VILLAGE POST-OFFICE 

An Entertainment in One Scene 
By Jessie A. Kelley 
Twenty-two males and twenty females are called for, but one person 
may take several parts and some characters may be omitted. The stage 
is arranged as a country store and post-office in one. Costumes are rural 
and funny- Plays a full evening. A side-splitting novelty, full of " good 
lines " and comical incident and character. One continuous laugh from 
beginning to end. Strongly recommended for church entertainments or 
general use ; very wholesome and clean. 

Friccy 25 cents 

MISS PRIM'S KINDERGARTEN 

An Entertainment in One Scene 

By Jessie A, Kelley 

Ten males, eleven females. No scenery or curtain needed ; costumes 

introduce grown people dressed as children. Plays an hour and a half. 

A modern, up-to-date version of the popular •< District School," full of 

Jaughs and a sure hit with the audience. All the parts very easy except 

the Teacher's, and as it is possible for her to use a book, the entertainment 

can be got up with exceptional ease and quickness. Can be recommended. 

Price J 25 cents 

THE VISIT OF OBADIAH 

A Farce in Two Acts 
By Eunice Fuller and Margaret C. Lyon 

Thirteen females. Costumes modern ; scene, an easy interior, the same 
for both acts. Plays an hour. A clever and original play, suited for 
school or college performance. Full of incident and offers a great variety 
of character and great opportunity for pretty dressing. Irish and negro 
comedy parts. Price, 25 cents 

A PAN OF FUDGE 

A Comedy in One Act 

By Maude B. Simes 
Six females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy interior. Plays twenty- 
five minutes. A bright little boarding-school sketch, at once amusing and 
sympathetic ; tone high and quality good. Confidently recommended to 
young ladies as an effective piece easy to get up. 
Price, 15 cents 
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iTUi/*^Ili\ltli£il4 OoBtumes, modem; soeoery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH ^,T'i?^Sl 

males, fire females. Costomea, modem; sotneTy, all interiors. 
Plays a fall evening. 

TTIF PPHFIIPATl? I*iayin Four Acts. Seven male!*, fire 
1 lll-i A riXjr LilU A 1 £• females. Scenery, tlire« interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full oveuing. 

TUV CrU AH! MIQTI? FQQ Faroe in Three Acts. Nine males, 
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THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^Ili^S^iXi 

females. Costumes, modem; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
fall evening. 

QWFPT I AVFTUriFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
iJfTEiCiI ijilT£iiiLI£<I\ four females. Scene, a single interior, 
eostumes, modem. Plays a full evening. 

TUV TUfTMnrUUniT comedy In Four Acts. Ten males, 
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ors; oostomes, modem. Plays a full evening. 

Till? TIMFQ Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
I IlIIi 1 liTl£0 Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Piaj a 
A fall evening. 

Till? W17Airi7P CFY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
inEi If IV/li^JuiI\ OLiA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
acenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ??^'S.S,f^?U;et: 

Oosttunes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



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THE FRDITS OP ENUMTENMENT £^TiI«to?.° twX 

one males, eleven femalee. Scenery, oharaoteristio interiors ; cos- 
tumes, modem. Plays a full evening. Beconunended for reading 
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BIS EXCELLENCY THE eOVERNOR ^'l!ll'^'S.t°''T^l 

males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 
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iU ini^if HrCDAVT) Comedy in Four Acts. BtOsoae'Wilbk. 
ATI WtiAli ULijDAnil Nine males, six females. CoBtumefi,mod- 
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reserved. Sold for reading. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST Ur b? S?"S 

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LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN ??]SS!?'"8!?e"4°2-e.,^Z.n."'" 

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MATHAVHATP Play in Four Acts. By* Clydb Fitcs. nfteon 
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THE ATHPD PPfTAW Comedy in Three Acts. ByM.B.HoBKa. 
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THE TYRANNY OP TEARS S^/.^.^J^rta^^.i^rf, £ 

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A WOMAN OP NO IMPORTANCE ^^^VSl^k^itk^J. 

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